What Her Panties really Say

I don't know what these things are trying to say, but I'm listening.

I’m sure you gentleman know and have heard (repeatedly) the old saying that “You only get one chance to make a first impression”. This doesn’t just apply to meeting people, it’s the same deal in the bedroom, too. Fortunately, we’re not here to discuss your underwear. We’re going to talk about the women.

 

Now, I absolutely, without a doubt, KNOW that at some point, you have wondered what kind of panties a woman has on (or in some cases, doesn’t). But something you might not have picked up on is that the panty selection is able to tell you a little bit more than she would like to broadcast. Pencils out. It’s time to take notes.

 

Cleanliness is next to godliness. If she doesn’t have clean underwear on, you need to stash your family jewels and exit as quickly as you can. It doesn’t matter how hot she is. This is cardinal rule. NO EXCEPTIONS.

1. Boyshorts/Cheekies

These are for the active girls that still have their ultra feminine side. She likes to be comfortable, but can still channel her sex appeal at the same time. Truly a talent. Boyshorts and cheekies don’t show off too much, but they definitely spark the imagination, especially in lace. You can bet she’s fun, as these are generally made in fun prints and patterns.

 

2. Thongs & G-Strings

Unlike boyshorts, these leave nothing to the imagination. What you see is what you get, and she must think it’s pretty damn good. She’s confident and was probably wearing something equally as small and/or tight. These aren’t the most comfortable things on the planet, and beauty is pain, so don’t be surprised if she may be a little high maintenance.

 

3. Shapewear

This is a real thing. Shapewear kinda smooths everything out and can slim someone down a few inches. To an extent and to be blunt, you’re getting deceived. Some will say it just means a woman is ‘resourceful’. But what happens when the shapewear comes off? And by no means is it sexy to look at. No woman under 35 should be wearing this stuff. The only message it sends is ‘I’m super insecure’.

4. Commando

If her panties are M.I.A., she’s obviously expecting to get laid (one way or another… by one guy or another, unless you’re exclusive), so make sure you use a condom. Or two. And be sure to ask her when her last STD/HIV test was. But if she only has eyes for you, you’re pretty damn lucky. Enjoy!

 

5. Granny Panties

No. Just… No.

 

So there you have it. Another reason you should go forth and bring your A game at the bar this weekend. But if all else fails, get really drunk and tell her you absolutely NEED her to show you her panties for scientific research.

 

Speak your mind.

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